Source: Adult Industry News
By: Shay Boogie
– Every time I see a scene with Marc Anthony it amazes me. His facial expression right before he cums reminds me of a constipated person trying to take a shit. It looks like he’s literally going to explode. He’s squeezing his eyes shut, holding his chest, and sweating like a marathon runner. Then, just as you expect gushes and gushes of cum to spray from his sprinkler, all that arrives is 1/2 a teaspoon (if that) of nut.
Where did all that cum go? How can all his hard work fucking these girls only produce a cum shot equivalent to what a small line of coke looks like? Hmmm…well, I’ve come up with my own theory about Mr. Anthony and his minimal “cummage”. In reality, he really does have tons of cum that wants to spew out…but because it has to travel such a long way to see the light of day, it evaporates on its way to freedom. I guess this would be the porn equivalent of the theory of relativity?
– As I was watching Me Luv U Long Time #6, I noticed that two of the girls in the film had the same last name. Both Nyla Thai and Lucy Thai gave A+ performances. Lucy Thai even squirted twice while she was being eaten out!…but that’s another story for another day. After seeing the movie I decided I wanted to find out more information on these women and what other films they were in. I “Googled” their names online and to my surprise, I found yet another adult actress with the same name, Lily Thai. When I went to check out her picture she looked exactly like Nyla Thai. Then I realized that Nyla Thai was actually who I thought Lily Thai was. What the fuck was going on? I felt like I was in the Twilight Zone. Was the last name Thai really that common in the adult biz? My head was in a fog as I was trying to match up which pussy and what tits belonged to each Thai. It was like a friggin’ crossword puzzle with no clues. All I know is that all three women, whomever they are and whatever their names are, have beautiful faces and smokin’ bodies. Can some studio please release a girl/girl/girl film called “Tri-These-Thai’s” so I can finally solve this mystery?
– If you haven’t seen Yazmine Milan on the cover of Assault that Ass #5, you are missing out! She has one of the best asses I’ve seen. It just jumps right out at you, as if it’s in 3-D. I know she’s not Brazilian, but it would be a sin not to cast her in the next edition of “Big Bubble Butt Brazilian Orgy.”
– In this month’s AVN Magazine, I noticed a full-page ad from Anabolic where they break down why their box-covers are better than other studios who have been trying to mimic them. I immediately thought that they were talking about Redlight District (and possibly Zero Tolerance). I must admit, both Redlight and Anabolic have very similar box covers in many instances. The color schemes, fonts, and even photography appear to be quite like each other. I guess the only question would be, “who’s biting who?”. Personally, I think both studios have great covers but I can definitely see customers being confused. My suggestion would be to settle this beef the old-fashioned way: A classy oil-wrestling event where Redlight’s best female vixens go up against Anabolic’s hottest honeys…and even though I would take no pleasure whatsoever in doing so, I guess I could be the guest referee. Let’s get ready to rumble!
– About two months after I broke up with my girlfriend of a year, I got a phone call from her one night at my house. She said she missed me and wanted to see me. I was very hesitant about going to visit her because we had broken up on bad terms and basically she turned out to be a psycho bitch. There was no need to go down that road again. However, the plot thickened when she told me she wanted me to come visit her and have a threesome with her and her new boyfriend. This was the first time that anyone had asked me to be involved in a menage-trios so I was unsure as to how I was going to respond. She said that she wanted one of us to hit it from the back while she sucked off the other guy. That actually got me thinking that it might be worth the trip down there to see her. Unfortunately, she then said that she wanted to put both of our dicks in her mouth at the same time. My initial arousal suddenly sank like a submarine. There was no way in hell that I’d put my joint anywhere near another guys’ dick. Call it homophobic if you want, but, to me, that was a gay request. I told the psycho “Thanks…but no thanks”. Homey definitely doesn’t play that.
– The first time I saw Loni was in Cum Dumpsters #1. I was immediately captivated by her great pair of titties, beautiful eyes, and voluptuous body. What made me fall in love with her, though, was how she demanded to have more cum sprayed on her during her scene. She literally yelled at her co-star, screaming “I want more…now!” you have to have respect for someone who takes so much pride in their work. Does anyone know if she has a website? If so, I’ll be the first person to sign up. Keep doing your thing Loni! You got it going on!
– How hot is Tera Patrick? She is undoubtedly one of the best-looking porn stars of our time. The first time I saw her in a film I was mesmerized. I remember thinking, “Who’s that!?” She had the perfect body with fantastic-looking tits. When I found out she was going to get a boob job I was petrified. I thought for sure she would get a messed up job and her natural-looking breasts would look like Sally Silicone.
I was so worried that I couldn’t eat for weeks. I had to take time off from work because of mental anguish. I started a door-to-door “anti-implant” petition, in hopes that Tera would see the light and not let her most prized possessions go under the scalpel. Despite my efforts, Tera ultimately went through with the surgery. As I prepared for the worse, I carefully safeguarded all of my “pre-boob job” Tera DVDs, thinking they would be collector’s items someday. When I finally saw Ms. Patrick’s new pair I was astonished. Ironically, I had finally witnessed the perfect boob job.
Tera’s tits looked incredible…nice, supple, pouting breasts. I was so overjoyed that I couldn’t control myself. I whipped out one of Tera’s DVDs and went right to “work”. Kudos to the doctor who performed a magic act on Tera’s breasts like no other. You’ve done all of mankind a wonderful and patriotic service.
– One night I was at the computer playing online poker. I glanced behind me and noticed my girlfriend was reading the new issue of AVN Monthly. A few minutes later I heard an “Oh wow!” resonate from my better half. I looked back and saw this stunned look on her face. I asked her what was wrong. All she said to me was “Do not go past page 250.” I hadn’t had a chance to read the magazine yet but I decided to see what made her uneasy. As I flipped through the pages I saw the usual bevy of gorgeous women, breasts, pussies, asses, etc.
When I hit 250, though, I was greeted by one guy giving it to the other guy doggy-style. “Oh man”, I thought to myself, “AVN has got to have a totally different edition for their gay reviews, pics, etc.” Going from pussy to dick with the turn of a page is just too shocking for some of us. Not that there’s anything wrong with being gay but please…at least give us a warning: “Once you turn this page you will be entering a world full of dicks and balls. If these images are not enticing to you, then you have reached the end of our magazine.” is that too much to ask?
– I’d like to give a big congratulations to Private for deciding to release all of their DVDs in slim jewel cases from now on. I think a lot of studios are going to follow their lead in the near future. The best part is that all of us fans will now have double the space to stock our DVDs. And to all the boosters out there, it will be easier for them to fit the DVDs down their pants and sneak out of the local adult movie store. So everyone wins in the end!
– A few years ago I met this girl and we went out on a few dates. She was a few years older than me and that turned me on. Things started getting hot and heavy after the first couple of dates and we ended up back at my place one night after dinner. One thing led to another and we found ourselves naked on the rug about to have sex. I went to my closet to grab a condom but I was totally out! It wasn’t that I was having tons of sex but I guess I never realized I was getting low on Trojans. I came back into the living room and told my partner the bad news. She must have been even hornier than I was because she said, “Do you have any Saran wrap? We can use that as a condom. Just put it around your dick, tie the end of it, and put some lube on.” This was all news to me. I never knew that Saran wrap was a form of contraception. So I went into the kitchen and came back with a few sheets of Reynolds Saran Wrap.
As I started wrapping it around my dick I began thinking, “What the fuck am I doing? I’m actually putting Saran wrap on my dick so I can fuck this girl? Her pussy looks good but not that good. It’s probably not a good idea to do this, not to mention I doubt it’s the safest form of protection.” I stopped the wrapping and told the girl that we should wait until we had condoms to have sex. She seemed disappointed but after the fact we both agreed that it was better to be safe than sorry.
The next day I bought tons of condoms and we ended up having sex that night. Unfortunately, now I get a hard-on every time I see a piece of Saran wrap.
