Source: Adult Industry News
By: Leya Falcon
The other night I attended the XRCO awards and ran into my good friend and mentor Bill Margold who suggested that I write my next column for AINews about the award show. While I had a great time at the show with Jack Napier’s crazy self and his gigantic black cock by my side, I woke up today feeling that I need to write about something deeper (and no, I am not talking about my asshole or vagina!)
I have recently been undergoing a lot of changes in my life and though I am headed in an upward and forward direction it has recently been bringing out my hopes, my dreams, my fears and I have this overwhelmingly need to try to put everything into words.
I am sure you have all noticed I have recently lost a ton of weight, I would say about 190 pounds of weight I did not need but continued to hold on to like a security blanket. As much as I loved the guy I married (I say this because he never earned the title of being a husband.), I just got to the point where I realized he just did not love me or even his own daughter and nothing I could ever say or do would change that. I spent the past 7 years of my life dedicated to a guy that gave a fuck about nothing but himself and the next bitch he was going to stick his dick in unprotected (and untested!) and how to cover up his tracks afterwards because of course, he would always lie about it.
I believe that the most hurtful part of the whole “relationship” was not the abuse, the lack of affection, the drunk man in my house on a daily basis, but rather the lies. I had always told him that if he really feels the need to fuck other women that it is fine as long as they are clean, he uses protection, doesn’t get emotionally attached and is Honest about it. However, I also stated that if I were ok with him doing that then he should be ok with me doing the same thing but he wasn’t having that so I guess that is probably why he would lie. I had just about had it with the lies and I told him one more time and I am gone so this past November I decided it was over but it really wasn’t until late January that I knew that I meant it this time and was ready to move on with my life and be the best mother/daughter/person/friend/porn star etc. I can be.
As I sit here today about to be 25 and divorced with my daughters father about to be giving up every right and connection to her, I am completely ready for it. I have to admit though it is very scary and just having the stigma of being “divorced” and my daughter having her own father not want anything to do with her has really been bothering me, it feels kind of like a big stamp on my life of “major fail.” I have really been damaged emotionally from everything that I have dealt with regarding the guy I married but I am trying not to let it rule my life and work through it. When it comes to relationships (including friendships) I have major trust issues, major anger issues and up until recently never thought I would even try to work through them until I grasped the fact that it is very unfair for whoever may come along next to make them pay for another’s mistakes.
Literally a few days after I came to this realization I had met Jack, yes, that Jack, the one that everyone (including editor-in-chief) Steve Nelson told me from day one that I need to get with. Before the actual “hook-up” date I had already had some deep conversations with him and told him about the fact that I Refuse to kiss, cuddle, hug or even sleep in the same bed. I went on and on about how it took even the guy I married three months to get me to do those things so this man certainly wasn’t getting it from me anytime soon.
Well, probably about 30 minutes after meeting I did the unexpected and he got everything from me that I was so sure I was not going to give up, let alone enjoy. The gargantuan cock and pretty hair helped but really, it was just him, something about him made me feel like it was ok to open up more than my legs and I still can’t figure out what that something is, I just knew it was right at the moment and it still feels right. Am I afraid of being lied to and hurt again? Abso-fucking-lutely. Does that mean I am going to back off? Fuck no. I try not to let fear dictate my decisions (though sometimes, it does) but rather listen to myself and go with what feels right to me and when I am with Jack, things just feel right. (Yeah, I know, it sounds so cheesy and weird coming from me but it’s true)
The moral of this story here is that you cannot necessarily let your past dictate what you do in your present and future, you can’t change the shit that you have done or that has been done to you but you can use that as motivation to improve yourself and the lives of those around you. It may be terrifying to open yourself back up (oh, and it is!) but I believe it would be more frightening to stay closed off and bitter to the world because you could find and lose exactly what you were looking for in an instant and really, that is no way to live life. I wanted to stay numb but am thankful that I did not because even if I find myself tremendously hurt again I will know that at one point in time what I was doing felt exactly right in that moment and that folks is not just being alive, but deciding to actually Live, love and laugh.
