Source: Metro Interactive
By: Company Press Release
(CHATSWORTH, CA) — Upon learning of his recent nominations for both Best Video and Best Director – Video for his erotic drama Karma, director Mike Quasar held a press conference to announce that, based on the advice of his advisors and handlers, he has decided to accept these nominations and will now actively campaign throughout the adult community for victory.
"I’ve toiled for the adult entertainment industry for over a decade, and all it’s ever given me in return is a drinking problem and an unhealthy attraction to vegetation and shrubbery," Quasar stated. "I want a trophy, dammit, and I am both physically and mentally prepared for the lengthy and arduous campaign ahead of me".
Quasar has prepared a five-point platform intended to sway both the public and AVN voters to his corner. The platform reads as follows:
1. Mike Quasar believes that quality pornography is the right of every American.
2. Mike Quasar also believes that quality pornography should be well lit, well shot and well edited… Or at the very least, the people listed on the box cover should actually appear in the movie.
3. Mike Quasar believes that quality pornography entails avoiding the casting of desperate and disfigured food stamp redeemers whose chief goal in fornicating with strangers on video is to raise enough money to purchase untainted breast milk and drug-free urine.
4. Mike Quasar believes in minimizing the impact of insulting story lines written by hack writers with giant egos by minimizing the storylines themselves to their most basic function: to give people an excuse to have sex on video for money. (in most cases, the "hack writer" that Quasar refers to is Quasar himself.)
5. Mike Quasar promises that he will never distract the home viewer from his or her masturbatory activity by inserting car chases, gunplay or complicated plot development into any of his movies.
Quasar’s movie Karma fulfills and exceeds and every point on this platform.
Quasar plans on taking his message to the streets in the coming weeks with many campaign stops planned throughout the San Fernando Valley, including both the Lamplighter restaurant in Canoga Park and Brent’s Deli in Chatsworth.
"The bottom line is that Michael Raven has run out of shelf space for all of his AVN awards. If he picks up even one trophy in 2003, he’ll have no place to put it," says Quasar. "I, on the other hand, have a mantle above my fireplace completely absent of anything except dust and broken dreams.
"I am determined to be AVN’s Best Director for a Video in 2003, and if not Best Director, certainly I’d be happy with Best Video… And if not that, Best Screenplay for sure. Or perhaps Best Videography. Truth be told, you could make up a new category – ‘Most Pathetic Attempt at Exploiting the Sympathies of AVN Voters’ – and I’d be happy with that. Gimme a f#@kin’ trophy for something – anything! I’ll mop up after the f@#ckin’ show! How about an award for that?"
At this point Quasar had to be forcefully removed from the podium when it became clear that he was embarrassing himself. An assistant abruptly called an end to the press conference.
To follow Mike Quasar on his campaign trail, log on to VoteQuasar.blogspot.com. And don’t forget: vote Mike Quasar for Best Director – Video in 2003!
Carly Milne Publicity, Metro Interactive
V: (818) 885 2800 x118
